WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many have charged the U.S. military with becoming “woke” in recent years, and more fuel has been added to that fire with the latest announcement from the Pentagon: The U.S. military is unveiling a gender-neutral bomb.
“This bomb is absolutely fabulous,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie. “Finally, a bomb that respects all genders and all members of the LGBTQ community... as enemy combatants who will be incinerated by it.”
The new bomb (pronouns "xe/xem" ) works the same whether it is killing men or women or any non-binary genders. It also ignores white privilege and is said to be carbon neutral (as long as each time it’s dropped it kills at least ten people to offset the carbon released in making and exploding it).
Conservative troglodytes have reacted negatively. “I don’t want no woke bombs,” said local dumb racist Wilson Porter. “I hear rumors they turn you gay just before killing ya. Why can’t we be like in the past, like in World War II in Germany when war was just killing a bunch of straight white men?”
The military is said to be working on even more progressive equipment now, such as a depleted uranium tank shell that respects pronouns.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
