PELENNOR FIELDS—King Theoden and his accomplices in Rohan are facing possible murder charges, the cavalry being under intense scrutiny for crossing state lines before defending their neighbor to the south.
"They crossed state lines to get here—and do they even have a permit for those spears?" asked one stunned Orc, Garflob Magobblegon. "They're basically just coming down here hunting innocent Orcs."
Indeed, Magobblegon produced reliable witnesses who claim Rohan had been collaborating with a Dúnedain ranger who uttered the slur, "Let's hunt some Orc," though others claim this account is apocryphal and is not reflected in the earliest accounts of the ranger's exploits.
"By the way, did I mention King Theoden CROSSED STATE LINES?! That used to mean something here in Middle Earth," the Orc added.
Footage of the event seems to show the Rohirrim acting in defense of their neighbors in Gondor. Middle Earth judges replayed the event in slow motion, and evidence does seem to show that the Rohirrim only charged in and slaughtered the Orcs and the Haradrim once they and their friends' lives were threatened by the roaming armies of Mordor out in the open field of battle. Nonetheless, many legal experts believe that crossing state lines adds another twist to this case.
"Rohan shouldn't have been there in the first place," said GNN reporter Borin Storrter. "King Theoden had no business being across state lines armed with a spear. If he had only minded his own business, as our GNN analyst Wormtongue advised, all those innocent Orcs would still be alive."
There is currently no word, however, as to where Gondor was when the Westfold fell.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.
The controversy stemmed from a poorly-worded email intended to bolster support for abortion rights among the union’s Democrat base. The email stated, “The right to choose for oneself is a fundamental right of American citizens.” Some union members grew concerned, thinking the choice being referenced was the right of parents to select what school their children attend.
The union issued a swift apology this morning. “To be clear, we were only talking about a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child,” Weingarten said. “Once a child is born, we firmly believe that no parent, man or woman, has any right whatsoever to decide where a child attends school.”
Weingarten went on to note that, “in fact, other than abortion and selecting ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.
"Hmmm... should I go with the 'Neutral Tans' or the 'Balmy Browns' Collection?" Biden said to himself.
"Everything is riding on this!"
Store employees report the president was looking through the color swatches for hours, only stopping to eat ice cream. Secret Service agents blocked off the aisle and refused to let other customers shop for their home projects.
Biden reportedly asked an employee for help but the white man was too afraid to risk being accidentally racist.
Home Depot Associate Jake Stone said of his encounter, "He was trying to ask what the best shade of black is for total submissiveness to his progressive executive agenda. At first, I thought he was going to repaint the Oval Office. I told him black wouldn't be great for a room."
"No, for people!" Biden allegedly yelled. "Black people! Come on, man!"
The president ...
BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider's winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.'
“I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw the category of ‘Grade School Biology’,” said Schneider. “I avoided the category until the very end, as basic biology has never been my strong suit.”
Many in the audience saw the disaster coming a mile ahead. “What was Amy thinking betting so much in Final Jeopardy under that category?” said Daniele Dacus, a fan of Amy’s. “You never bet that high on such a complicated, theoretical subject, where so little of that field is understood.”
Sources claim that the host even gave a clue that ‘this is one of 2 genders’, but Amy still did not get the question correct. Amy started to answer the question by writing, “What is different and unique to each person based upon...
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