WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise press conference in D.C. today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki—completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason—announced that Kamala Harris is extremely likable and very good at her job and everything is just fine.
"I am proud to announce to you today that Vice President Harris is not unlikable in any way. She is also not terrible at her job," said Psaki. "That's all I really came up here to say. She also has a great relationship with President Biden. Oh, they laugh and talk for hours! I just wanted to take this time to announce that she's doing important work and is in no way doing a sub-par job and everyone loves her. Isn't that great?"
Some anonymous sources within the White House are expressing concern that VP Harris's approval numbers are falling at a rapid pace and are on track to collapse in on themselves like a dying star within days.
"Such concerns are unfounded, and today's announcement is completely unrelated to that anyway," said Psaki. "I just felt compelled to come up here and give this unsolicited announcement about what a great job VP Harris is doing, and it was in no way prompted by VP Harris after cornering me in the bathroom and screaming at me to get her poll numbers up. Nothing like that happened at all."
Several hands in the press pool shot up after Psaki later went on to announce that Biden is still very much alive.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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