WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise press conference in D.C. today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki—completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason—announced that Kamala Harris is extremely likable and very good at her job and everything is just fine.
"I am proud to announce to you today that Vice President Harris is not unlikable in any way. She is also not terrible at her job," said Psaki. "That's all I really came up here to say. She also has a great relationship with President Biden. Oh, they laugh and talk for hours! I just wanted to take this time to announce that she's doing important work and is in no way doing a sub-par job and everyone loves her. Isn't that great?"
Some anonymous sources within the White House are expressing concern that VP Harris's approval numbers are falling at a rapid pace and are on track to collapse in on themselves like a dying star within days.
"Such concerns are unfounded, and today's announcement is completely unrelated to that anyway," said Psaki. "I just felt compelled to come up here and give this unsolicited announcement about what a great job VP Harris is doing, and it was in no way prompted by VP Harris after cornering me in the bathroom and screaming at me to get her poll numbers up. Nothing like that happened at all."
Several hands in the press pool shot up after Psaki later went on to announce that Biden is still very much alive.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
