WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House confirmed that presidential powers will be briefly transferred to Kamala Harris while President Biden undergoes a colonoscopy to find out what's stuck in his butt.
In a statement to the press, Kamala thanked President Biden for entrusting her with the fate of the country during those few hours.
"Thank you Joe, the country is in good hands," Kamala began. "In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair! HAHA HAHA HAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The press pool just sat there in stunned silence as Kamala's voice deepened and she began uttering the black speech of Mordor and glowing a sickly green.
Sources say that President Biden is expected to be just fine and back in power in a few hours. VP Harris's approval rating is now at 3%.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."