U.S.—As Americans deal with the aftermath of the Rittenhouse verdict, many are being forced to come to terms with the fact that it's no longer safe to beat people to death with a skateboard in America.
"I'm devastated. I'm terrified. I don't even recognize my own country anymore," said local concerned citizen Gail Piddlesnoot. "How have we gotten to the point in our nation where people can no longer beat someone with a skateboard, or kick someone in the face, or threaten to kill them without risk of being shot? It's just horrible."
The American Society of Communist Skateboard Murderers (ASCSM) reports that more and more of their members are dropping out, no longer confident that they can go out at night, burn down cities, and bash in people's skulls with skateboards unmolested.
"This sets a dangerous precedent," said Piddlesnoot. "It could be that in a very short time, we will no longer see gangs of marauding skateboard-murdering arsonists roaming our streets at night, and that's a very sad thought."
Experts are recommending that in the near future, for everyone's safety, people who own skateboards just ride them for fun instead of beating people with them.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."