HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a show of support for the brave hero who paused burning down black-owned businesses to sacrifice his life fighting off the evil assassin Kyle Rittenhouse, actor and keen observer of murder trials Mark Ruffalo donated $50 million to found The Joseph Rosenbaum Elementary School.
“I heard he just loved little kids, especially boys,” said the Marvel actor, who prides himself on fully investigating the facts before posting on Twitter. “The least I can do is memorialize him for decades with a school built in his name so generations of children will always be reminded who Joseph Rosenbaum really was.”
Ruffalo, a movie star famous for his role as The Hulk in over three hundred Marvel movies, displayed his keen sense of logic and reasoning when he reminded everyone that Joseph Rosenbaum was just one of the millions of young black men who are thoughtlessly slaughtered every year by members of the KKK.
Then, with dramatic flair, Mark Ruffalo gestured behind him at the commemorative statue, showing happy children sitting on the beloved martyr’s lap.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."