WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a deadly terrorist attack in Waukesha Wisconsin in which a terrorist SUV drove itself into a parade and murdered people all by itself, Attorney General Merrick Garland has ordered the FBI to place all SUVs on the Terrorist Watchlist.
"We have no idea what led this SUV to commit this terrorist act, but we promise to get to the bottom of it," said Garland. "I have directed the FBI to investigate all SUVs before they strike again."
The FBI will be coordinating with local law enforcement to closely monitor all sport utility vehicles and trucks for signs of extremism or aggression. Any SUV seen making a wrong turn or disobeying traffic laws will be immediately confiscated and tortured at an undisclosed location until it confesses to terrorist activity.
The media immediately praised the FBI for addressing the SUV menace. "It's about time someone addressed the evil evilness of SUVs," said one MSNBC anchor. "They are the real enemy of the people here, definitely not the media."
The FBI also confirmed that media SUVs will be exempt.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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