WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on abortion law this week, where they will carefully weigh the pros and cons of murdering babies with metal tearing instruments and high-powered vacuums.
"Man, this is a tough one! Maybe we should make a list of pros and cons," said Chief Justice Roberts, according to sources. "Can we end baby murder while staying true to our lofty and convoluted jurisprudence? However we decide this case, we must remember what's truly important: our political reputations."
"Um," said Kavanaugh, "I guess 'babies not being murdered' would go in the 'pro' column."
"Yeah, but then CNN might say something bad about us," said Roberts. "That's definitely a 'con'."
Justices Kagan and Sotomayor disagreed, insisting that 'babies not being murdered' should be in the "con" column instead.
The justices went back and forth on the deep complexities of tearing preborn human beings limb from limb, crushing their skulls, and sucking their remains out with a suction device. As they debated, the collected spiritual forces of darkness, such as snarling demons and CNN news crews, descended on the Supreme Court building to voice their opinion that the blood sacrifice of the unborn before the altar of American narcissistic consumerism must be allowed to continue.
The justices are expected to debate this very complex and difficult moral issue until they decide whether they want to guarantee Constitutional protections to all human beings or not.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
