WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning reveal, Dr. Fauci has appeared on camera in an ornate and funny hat, and is now declaring himself the "Pope of Science."
"Look at my shiny hat! Woooo-ooo! I have been chosen by science to speak on behalf of science!" said Pope Fauci. "My very words are as infallible as the natural laws of the universe itself! If anyone doesn't like me, or disagrees with anything I say, or makes fun of my glasses, they will be excommunicated—banished to everlasting darkness."
Fauci's eyes then rolled back in his head as he began uttering in a dead ancient Sumerian language.
Fauci has appointed Greta Thunberg as his high priestess of Earth, President Xi Jinping as his priest of infectious diseases, and 3,200 Pfizer lobbyists as agents to administer the sacrament of the vaccine.
As his first act, Pope Fauci has issued a Papal Bull condemning Senator Rand Paul and has called for him to be burned at the stake.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
