U.S.—After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay.
"We are proud to announce that Aunt Jemima will be the smiling face of our products for the foreseeable future," said Frito Lay CEO Bob Chippington. "At a time when mascots of color are discriminated against at alarming rates, our company has decided to be a part of the solution."
Starting next spring Aunt Jemima will grace the packaging of Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos®, with more brands rolling out later in the year—including Sun Chips®, Cheetos®, and Grandma's® cookies.
Neo-Nazi groups have condemned the move, insisting that Doritos are "for the white man." Woke progressive groups agreed, insisting Doritos are "are not authentically black enough."
Most Americans just said they were overjoyed to see Aunt Jemima's beautiful smile on a food product again.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."