WORLD—Top theologians have confirmed that the amount of treasure you have stored up in heaven will now be directly related to your recorded Bible-reading streak on your Bible app.
"Aw heck yeah! I'm in good shape then!" said local Christian Travis Salden, who currently has a perfect streak of 25 weeks. "I'm gonna have a three-story mansion, baby!"
Sources confirmed that with new digital technology, Heaven will be able to track Bible reading across all Android and iOS devices, and adjust heavenly rewards accordingly. If users give the app permission to access their phone's data, it will also record what other apps you look at and take those into consideration as well.
Salden is hoping to keep his streak going to amass even more heavenly riches. Unfortunately, the majority of times he opened his app were accidental since the icon is right next to his Instagram icon.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."