ATLANTA, GA—CNN wasted no time choosing a replacement for the disgraced evening news personality Chris Cuomo, welcoming former New York governor, Andrew Cuomo.
“The decision was simple,” said CNN’s Director of Creep Relations, Bob Writhe, “Andrew Cuomo is loved by journalists and news outlets, addicted to the primetime spotlight, a bastion of hypocrisy, and comes with an impressive list of disturbing allegations against him; he’ll fit right in at CNN.”
The rapid hiring of Andrew Cuomo was not without controversy, however. Sources say other CNN hosts Don Lemon and Jeffrey Toobin expressed jealousy at Cuomo’s immediate receipt of an evening news show—when they had spent years rising up the ranks through disgusting, putrid acts of depravity and degeneracy before getting top spots at CNN.
Jeffrey Toobin could not be reached over Zoom for comment as no reporters were willing to call him over Zoom.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
