ATLANTA, GA—CNN wasted no time choosing a replacement for the disgraced evening news personality Chris Cuomo, welcoming former New York governor, Andrew Cuomo.
“The decision was simple,” said CNN’s Director of Creep Relations, Bob Writhe, “Andrew Cuomo is loved by journalists and news outlets, addicted to the primetime spotlight, a bastion of hypocrisy, and comes with an impressive list of disturbing allegations against him; he’ll fit right in at CNN.”
The rapid hiring of Andrew Cuomo was not without controversy, however. Sources say other CNN hosts Don Lemon and Jeffrey Toobin expressed jealousy at Cuomo’s immediate receipt of an evening news show—when they had spent years rising up the ranks through disgusting, putrid acts of depravity and degeneracy before getting top spots at CNN.
Jeffrey Toobin could not be reached over Zoom for comment as no reporters were willing to call him over Zoom.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
