TALLAHASSEE, FL —Florida Governor Ron DeSantis stirred up controversy this week after he proposed allocating state funds to grow his own personal army of Uruk-Hai orc warriors.
"Frankly, the federal government is terrible at everything, including the Army, which has been taken over by wimpy-dimpy pink-haired SJWs," said DeSantis. "It's time for Florida to breed its own Uruk-Hai force."
DeSantis touted the many uses of a personal Uruk-Hai army, such as helping with hurricane relief, monitoring the polls on election day, and making sure public schools aren't making kids wear masks.
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed every CNN anchor while breaking the story and running in circles with their hair on fire.
Pentagon officials condemned the proposal, saying Florida having its own Orc army controlled by the governor is "not fair," as it competes with the Federal government's orc army controlled by Joe Biden.
"States should not have their own military forces," said General Milley. "The only military we allow should be the one controlled by the Pentagon, thoroughly trained in Critical Race Theory, and bearing the white hand of Biden."
CNN has promised to stay on top of the story, as soon as they finish screaming.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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