TALLAHASSEE, FL —Florida Governor Ron DeSantis stirred up controversy this week after he proposed allocating state funds to grow his own personal army of Uruk-Hai orc warriors.
"Frankly, the federal government is terrible at everything, including the Army, which has been taken over by wimpy-dimpy pink-haired SJWs," said DeSantis. "It's time for Florida to breed its own Uruk-Hai force."
DeSantis touted the many uses of a personal Uruk-Hai army, such as helping with hurricane relief, monitoring the polls on election day, and making sure public schools aren't making kids wear masks.
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed every CNN anchor while breaking the story and running in circles with their hair on fire.
Pentagon officials condemned the proposal, saying Florida having its own Orc army controlled by the governor is "not fair," as it competes with the Federal government's orc army controlled by Joe Biden.
"States should not have their own military forces," said General Milley. "The only military we allow should be the one controlled by the Pentagon, thoroughly trained in Critical Race Theory, and bearing the white hand of Biden."
CNN has promised to stay on top of the story, as soon as they finish screaming.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
