U.S.—The men of the nation are "totally freaking out" about the omicron variant of the coronavirus after learning the symptoms are similar to the common cold. Men everywhere reported they are "deeply concerned" about the variant as they could end up in the bed with the sniffles.
"A common cold?! NOOOO!!!" shouted one husband in Iowa after learning he would suffer very mild flu-like symptoms should he contract the omicron variant. "We must lock down, flatten the curve, social distance, and quarantine!"
"I absolutely CANNOT handle getting the sniffles!" he added, arming himself with multiple cans of Lysol and hand sanitizer, triple-masking, and locking himself in the bedroom. His wife rolled her eyes and went about her life, sliding nachos under the door for him every few hours.
There have been no deaths reported from omicron as of yet, but a few dozen men certainly acted like they were dying.
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."