WORLD—Publishers of Bibles around the world are scrambling to put warning stickers on all printed copies of Scripture. This comes after several people complained that the text includes major spoilers for a hit TV show based on the life of Christ called The Chosen.
Dozens of different Bible translations will now include a warning label reading, "SPOILER ALERT: this book may contain spoilers for the next season of the hit show The Chosen."
"Imagine my shock when I was reading the Gospel of John only to find out the main character dies at the end!" said Sally McGillicuddy, a fan of the show. "I hadn't even gotten to that episode of the series yet! And then I keep reading and find out he rises from the dead? Didn't see that coming! Double spoiler!"
Several publishers are taking it a step further by sealing certain pages of the Bible shut for people who prefer to read them only after they've seen the show. "We want to respect our readers' desires to consume this content in their own way, on their own schedule," said a rep for Zondervan.
Readers are also being warned that the book of Revelation may contain some spoilers for the fate of every soul who has ever lived. Not cool!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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