NEW YORK, NY—A Columbia University study has revealed a troubling surge in Alec Baldwin-related shootings ever since Joe Biden was elected president.
"As you can clearly see here, there were zero people shot by Alec Baldwin—that we know of—before Biden's inauguration, and two people shot in the time since," said researcher Dr. Amos Tingleschnozz. That's an increase of infinity percent. You just can't ignore something like that."
Experts are baffled by the sharp increase and are looking into possible causes.
"The strongest correlation appears to be between Alec Baldwin shooting people and Joe Biden serving as the leader of America, Tingleschnozz continued. "We're not saying that Biden necessarily is to blame for these shootings, but we're not not saying that either."
A parallel study conducted at Princeton University produced different results, pointing instead to a strange correlation between Alec Baldwin shootings and Donald Trump being alive.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."