NASHVILLE, TN—Sources close to local Christian band Apostle 242 confirmed Thursday that the band hasn't even replaced the "T" in their name with a cross yet, despite being around since 1997.
"These guys can't truly be Christians," said one believer in Arkansas. "It says Apostle 242, which sounds religious, but the T is just a normal upper-case T. They haven't replaced it with a giant cross to signal to us that they believe in Jesus. I guess they've got the 242, which is probably some verse reference, but still. I need the cross symbol or I can't be sure they're legit."
"We are sorry for those we've hurt," said lead singer Paul Veerson. "We came up with the band name when we were in our 20s, and we hadn't realized making the T a cross was a requirement."
"Also, I just kind of think we should be able to make good music and honor Christ that way rather than have everything be so blatant." He later apologized for this insensitive comment and committed to hamfistedly inject the word "Jesus" into his songs three times more often to atone for this transgression.
The band has been stripped of the Christian moniker and must only refer to themselves as "Christians in a band" from now on pending legal action.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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