Supply chain shortages are here, and it's affecting everyone across the country. From toilet paper and meat to your favorite flavor shot at Starbucks, all the essentials are being threatened.
Here are the top items affected by the shortages:
Rose Tico action figures - This toy features cutting edge technology that automatically senses any time you're attempting to perform a selfless act. The toy then responds by sabotaging your plans, and lecturing you about how wars are won not by fighting what you hate, but saving what you love. Sadly, everyone's favorite character from The Last Jedi won't be home for Christmas.
Those little plastic swords they put in your drinks - If you were expecting an adorable tiny rapier piercing the cherry in your cocktail, you might want to reconsider your expectations, almost as much I might want to reconsider the phrasing in the first half of this sentence. Will the drink taste the same? Yes. But without the cute sword, is it even worth ordering it?
...And don't even think about finding a tiny umbrella in your Piña Colada!
Biden's approval rating - Experts believe there is a correlation between Biden's missing approval ratings and the national lack of trunalimunumaprzure.
Those changeable, color-coded bracelets that identify which pronouns you prefer today - This might be the most troubling shortage of all. Without these bracelets, how will others be able to detect your gender fluids? More importantly, how will you manage to remain the center of attention at your holiday gatherings?
Russian brides - There are numerous reports of cargo ships being denied approval to dock. Some have even had to dump their cargo, requiring the russian brides to swim all the way back home.
Rittenhouse® brand semi-automatic BB guns - Sorry kids, but unless Santa pulls off a miracle, the number one toy on every good little boy's list just isn't going to arrive in time!
The 543rd gender - Sadly, the hotly anticipated new gender identity, known as "Unobtainigender," has been delayed. Millions of neon-haired 16-24 year-olds won't be able to stand out from the crowd or disappoint their parents with the latest in sexual fashion quite yet.
COVID booster shots #13-23 - While these important booster shots will not be arriving until Spring 2022, San Francisco and New York are still expected to require them for any indoor or outdoor activities, starting next week.
Ghislaine Maxwell media coverage - Shortly before turning in their resignations, several highly influential and totally-not-at-all-at-risk-of-being-indicted media and tech CEO's have warned that coverage of Maxwell's trial will be in short supply.
And there you have it. Christmas gifts and other sundry items may be harder to obtain this year, but remember: The holidays aren't about procuring material necessities. It's about finding new ways to ensure your family and friends are deeply concerned about you.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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