ATLANTA, GA—After being in the closet for over 18 years at Fox News, news anchor Chris Wallace has come out officially as a fake news journalist. After being turned down by The Babylon Bee, Wallace will make the move over to CNN's new streaming service.
"I attempted real news for a long time, but I was living a lie," said Wallace in his official statement on Fox News. "It's time for me to finally be honest with the world and live out my truth. It's time for me to finally show the world who I really am: a fake news journalist."
Journalist advocacy groups applauded Wallace's brave move as a "huge step" for fake news journalists everywhere.
CNN will feature Chris Wallace on its new streaming platform, which promises to be even more fake than their cable news service. Other anchors will include Jussie Smollett, Chelsea Clinton, Joy Behar, and Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Fox News applauded Wallace for his bravery and thanked him for the inevitable ratings boost.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."