EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Fans were shocked at last weekend's Army-Navy game when during the 4th quarter, both teams mutually forfeited the game and left billions worth of equipment on the field.
"Wow, I've never seen anything like this before. And I didn't realize these teams even had billions of dollars worth of equipment," said sportscaster Gibbers McChumbley as he watched both teams walk off the field.
In the stands, Biden could be seen clapping and cheering for the forfeiting teams, although sources say he was only clapping and cheering because Jill Biden told him it was pudding time.
"It would seem that since these teams are funded by Pentagon defense contracts, they pay hundreds of millions per player for their pads and helmets, adding up to billions," said McChumbley. "Wow. Congress should do something about that!"
In a press conference later that day, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin proudly announced that it was "the greatest football game ever played in history."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."