WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden touches a child.
“It took weeks of intensive training to overcome the German Shepherd’s instinctive desire to protect vulnerable children, but we did it,” said professional pet trainer Bob Heirbouy, who demonstrated by grabbing a child-size doll and sniffing its hair aggressively in front of Commander, who simply tilted his head and looked on. “Commander will be a perfect fit in the Biden White House.”
The dog trainer added that his business is booming since training Biden’s dog to ignore any acts toward children ranging from general creepiness to outright abuse, stating he has received calls from celebrities, business executives, and elite politicians.
“I’m swamped,” said Mr. Heirbouy, “Right now I’m training a cat for the Biden family so it will seek out and pee on stray laptop hard drives.”
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."