WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, the Build Back Better Bill is pretty much dead now. While this has been a big blow to President Joe Biden’s agenda, one of the most upset politicians is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who was very curious to find out what’s in the bill by passing it.
“It’s $2 trillion in spending,” Pelosi told the press. “Who knows what it could have been? Maybe we all got candy. Or ice cream. Or a pony. Or maybe some sort of child tax credit. But since we didn’t pass it, we’ll never know.”
The Build Back Better Bill is thousands of pages long, and with everyone in Congress being very busy and very dumb, no one there was going to read it. But if it had been passed, it would have been handed over to bureaucrats to implement, and then we’d all see what the bill actually did.
“This is why Republicans hold us back,” Pelosi said. “Their lack of curiosity about what's in massive spending bills we never read. And their irrational belief that somehow spending $2 trillion could add to inflation.”
Spending bills are always a mystery until they get passed. No one is even sure how all the pages get added. Many believe it’s elves that appear in the middle of the night and hide billions of dollars in spending among pages and pages of jargon. Others say interns.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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