WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement today, President Biden confirmed he will be extending the pause on student loan repayment since we're all going to die of Omicron soon and nothing really matters now.
"Listen folks, no joke, it's that simple. Not kiddin' around here. For real. Seriously now," said Biden to the nurse who was changing his catheter bag. "Let's just pause the student loans. Who cares? We're all gonna die this winter! Time to focus on what's important and say goodbye to our loved ones and family members, who are all about to overwhelm the hospitals and die! At this point, why not?"
Biden has also canceled all payments to federal employees, all military operations, and his nightly viewing of Murder, She Wrote so everyone can just go home and die in peace and quiet.
"Humanity had a good run," said Biden. "I just wish I could sniff every last one of you before the end. Goodbye cruel world!" He then closed his eyes and began to snore.
In defiance of the President's wishes, Texas and Florida have announced they will stay alive.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
