WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement today, President Biden confirmed he will be extending the pause on student loan repayment since we're all going to die of Omicron soon and nothing really matters now.
"Listen folks, no joke, it's that simple. Not kiddin' around here. For real. Seriously now," said Biden to the nurse who was changing his catheter bag. "Let's just pause the student loans. Who cares? We're all gonna die this winter! Time to focus on what's important and say goodbye to our loved ones and family members, who are all about to overwhelm the hospitals and die! At this point, why not?"
Biden has also canceled all payments to federal employees, all military operations, and his nightly viewing of Murder, She Wrote so everyone can just go home and die in peace and quiet.
"Humanity had a good run," said Biden. "I just wish I could sniff every last one of you before the end. Goodbye cruel world!" He then closed his eyes and began to snore.
In defiance of the President's wishes, Texas and Florida have announced they will stay alive.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
