BULGARIA—Promising new athlete Viktoria Krum has swept the entire women’s quidditch league off of their brooms with her powerful debut. Soaring in from the Durmstrang Institute, this witch has wasted no time in making quidditch history.
“Viktoria is certainly the most dominant female Quidditch player we've ever seen,” said Mentor Metaxes, a Quidditch committee chairman. “Despite joining the Bulgarian team officially as seeker, Viktoria Krum has been the team’s top keeper, beater, and chaser for every game.”
“How does she move at such speed and still have the grip strength to hang on to her broom?!” said local photographer Colin Creevey. “I’ve never seen such raw strength in a woman athlete!”
Some have been skeptical of Krum’s success, demanding that she be tested for illegal charm use or performance-enhancing potions such as liquid luck. So far, all results have come back normal, except for her surprisingly high testosterone count.
At the time of publishing, the entire Bulgarian witches’ team was let go for suggesting that Viktoria was clearly world-renowned quidditch seeker Viktor Krum in a wig and "not a biological witch." Even with Viktoria being the only remaining player left, the Bulgarian team is still favored to win their next match.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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