We thought we were out of the woods, and that maybe we could enjoy the holidays, but we were wrong. Omicron is upon us, and it is the deadliest plague humanity has ever faced. You probably won't survive. And if you find yourself having any of these Omicron symptoms, you will definitely die. Sorry!
1) Heartburn: If you find yourself with heartburn after eating pizza or onion rings, you probably have Omicron. Been nice knowin' ya.
2) Sneezing: Omicron is a perfect killing machine designed to replicate itself by inducing sneezes in the host. Diabolical.
3) Your bones make that weird cracking sound when you get out of a chair: It's the end of the line for you.
4) Being left-handed: To be fair, is life even worth living if you're left-handed?
5) The sun looks bright when you stare directly at it: President Trump proved he was extremely healthy and Omicron-free when he stared at the sun for several minutes unfazed.
6) Mild soreness after vigorous exercise: Oh no! Also, please sanitize your workout equipment. You may be dead soon, but you don't have to take us with you.
7) Existential dread: Thankfully, this can be cured with a visit to church, a nap, or a burrito. Unless you die of Omicron first.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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