ATLANTA—The CDC has announced the results of an alarming new study: everyone who has ever been infected with COVID-19 will die at some point in their life.
"Yes, everyone who gets COVID will die," said a spokesperson for the CDC. "Maybe not immediately, but at some point, in the future. Almost all of those people who die will have had COVID at some point in their lives. This is horrible news."
"This is a terrifying statistic," said Don Lemon on his nightly CNN broadcast. "The correlation between being infected and eventually dying is too high to dismiss. The important takeaway here is that we should all be terrified."
In a statement from the White House, President Biden expressed that he was “shook” by the study and would take aggressive action by infringing on a few more liberties just to be on the safe side.
Conservative critics have responded by saying that everyone who voted for Biden will also eventually die—except for the ones who are already dead.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."