WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention.
“I’ll be honest, I was getting kind of jealous,” said the common cold. “At first I thought—‘Hey, this covid thing will pass and I’ll be back in the spotlight. I outlasted the Black Plague and I can survive this’…but now that coronavirus is endemic I had to go after its market share.”
The shift into ‘Omicron’ branding hasn’t changed the common cold, however. Experts agree the common cold still has the same classic symptoms. It just sounds scarier and can be used to push government totalitarianism in perpetuity without the need for expensive testing.
“It’s saving us a lot of money,” said the venerable Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We may even retroactively impose mask mandates on society. It’s just too soon to tell.”
Attorneys representing COVID-19 have filed a suit alleging copyright infringement, but the common cold doesn’t think that’ll go anywhere in the courts. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just business,” said the cold. “Covid’s gotta’ get over itself.”
Sources indicate COVID-19 is developing a new strain known as ‘Super Duper Death’ in response to the aggressive actions of its competitor. The strain should be ready to go just as people let their guard down on Memorial Day weekend.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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