WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention.
“I’ll be honest, I was getting kind of jealous,” said the common cold. “At first I thought—‘Hey, this covid thing will pass and I’ll be back in the spotlight. I outlasted the Black Plague and I can survive this’…but now that coronavirus is endemic I had to go after its market share.”
The shift into ‘Omicron’ branding hasn’t changed the common cold, however. Experts agree the common cold still has the same classic symptoms. It just sounds scarier and can be used to push government totalitarianism in perpetuity without the need for expensive testing.
“It’s saving us a lot of money,” said the venerable Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We may even retroactively impose mask mandates on society. It’s just too soon to tell.”
Attorneys representing COVID-19 have filed a suit alleging copyright infringement, but the common cold doesn’t think that’ll go anywhere in the courts. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just business,” said the cold. “Covid’s gotta’ get over itself.”
Sources indicate COVID-19 is developing a new strain known as ‘Super Duper Death’ in response to the aggressive actions of its competitor. The strain should be ready to go just as people let their guard down on Memorial Day weekend.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
