WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention.
“I’ll be honest, I was getting kind of jealous,” said the common cold. “At first I thought—‘Hey, this covid thing will pass and I’ll be back in the spotlight. I outlasted the Black Plague and I can survive this’…but now that coronavirus is endemic I had to go after its market share.”
The shift into ‘Omicron’ branding hasn’t changed the common cold, however. Experts agree the common cold still has the same classic symptoms. It just sounds scarier and can be used to push government totalitarianism in perpetuity without the need for expensive testing.
“It’s saving us a lot of money,” said the venerable Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We may even retroactively impose mask mandates on society. It’s just too soon to tell.”
Attorneys representing COVID-19 have filed a suit alleging copyright infringement, but the common cold doesn’t think that’ll go anywhere in the courts. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just business,” said the cold. “Covid’s gotta’ get over itself.”
Sources indicate COVID-19 is developing a new strain known as ‘Super Duper Death’ in response to the aggressive actions of its competitor. The strain should be ready to go just as people let their guard down on Memorial Day weekend.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
