NEW YORK, NY—After a long and fruitless search for a conservative host willing to subject herself to daily appearances on The View, producers have announced that in lieu of a conservative host, they will instead bring on an elephant piñata they can hit with sticks throughout the entire show. According to sources, the other hosts are elated at the change.
"Republicans are Nazis!" said Joy Behar in the latest taping as she viciously struck the piñata with a long stick. "What do you think about that Mr. GOP Elephant? Oh, that's right—I forgot you can't talk. Because you're a dumb Republican!" THWACK!
The audience clapped and cheered as Behar destroyed the silent elephant piñata, as the "clap and cheer" sign had been turned on.
Fans of The View say they are also excited about the change, as the silent paper mâché animal will leave more space for hosts Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg to share their profound and well-thought-out opinions.
Producers have said that if the lifeless party favor becomes too much for the hosts to handle, they will bring on Mitt Romney as a conservative host instead.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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