WHOVILLE—Neil deGrasse Tyson shouted from the top of a mountain down at the "ignorant, uninformed" Whos down in Whoville over the weekend that "reindeer can't fly" and that "Santa Claus is too big to go down a chimney, dummies!"
The incident occurred as the Whos woke up and emerged from their homes to sing on Christmas morning. DeGrasse Tyson emerged from his Cave of Science™ atop Mount Crumpit, annoyed by the noise of people singing, "which is actually just your vocal chords rubbing together causing vibrations in the air and is not actually melodic or beautiful."
Tyson then began bellowing from the peak.
"Listen, you ignorant, backward, anti-science morons!" he shouted as the Whos gathered to celebrate Christmas. "Santa Claus is a myth! How could he go to all the little boys and girls in the world in one day? It would be impossible. He would burn up due to the friction in the atmosphere."
"And reindeer can't fly! Their bodies evolved over millions of years to help them live on the ground in frigid environments! They can't generate any lift! NO LIFT!"
The Whos watched in horror as the astrophysicist debunked Santa Claus piece by piece, pointing out all the "highly improbable" characteristics of the magical man who brings presents to children all over the world.
At publishing time, Tyson's heart had grown three sizes, but that was just the vaccine.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
