CULVER CITY, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider broke a winnings record on Jeopardy last week, earning more than any female contestant in the show's history. Experts say this proves once and for all that men really are smarter than women.
"As a biological male, Schneider is once again proving the vast superiority of the male intellect," said MIT researcher Dr. Yamblo Figlenstrogg. "For better or for worse, this will be a huge boost for sexists and transphobes everywhere!"
Audience members were reportedly in awe to find that Schneider's dress and pretty hair did not negatively affect the functioning of her brilliant male brain.
"It was so inspiring to see!" said one witness. "Amy Schneider is shattering the glass ceiling for trans people everywhere, while at the same time installing a new, impenetrable, bulletproof glass ceiling for biological women that will never, ever be shattered. Take that, women!"
Unfortunately, Schnieder's Jeopardy streak was tragically cut short after being completely stumped by tonight's "3rd Grade Biology" category.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."