It's that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide!
Here is a definitive list of things that will happen in 2022:
January 1 - USPS will deliver your Christmas package
January 6 - Second insurrection attempt canceled
January 20 - Pfizer unveils booster shots 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
January 21 - Men break every record ever held by women
January 22 - Harvard gender studies professor discovers five new pronouns
January 23 - The Babylon Bee discovers a 3rd conservative joke
January 25 - Obama releases another memoir
January 27 - Mark Zuckerberg finally learns how to smile with his eyes
February 1 - WHO runs out of Greek letters for variants and starts naming them after the Muppets
February 2 - Jan 6th committee finally catches your Grandma
February 26 - China officially annexes United States
March 1 - Bill Clinton plants the flag on brand new Epstein Island
March 3 - Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up Mars
March 10 - Obama releases yet another new memoir
March 25 - Meat is outlawed, replaced with delicious bugs instead
April 1 - AOC red-pilled after reading an economics book
April 19 - Man dressed as woman hailed as first woman to not complain about being cold
May 5 - Hollywood studio announces all-female reboot of Ghostbusters: Afterlife
May 10 - Firefly renewed for 12 new seasons. Unfortunately, it's written by the writers of the 2nd season of Ted Lasso
June 6 - AOC tweets something dumb
August 15 - The only child to be named "Brandon" for the entire year is born
September 5 - Jen Psaki becomes Ben Psaki
October 8 - Obama releases new memoir
October 11 - Ted Cruz finally gets to spend a week in Cancun
November 17 - Republicans bravely squander control of Congress
December 10th - You still can't get your hands on a PS5
December 25 - Christmas will occur on this day
December 27 - Obama releases new memoir
December 30 - Ghislaine Maxwell's black book leaked, will be released in January
December 31 - Jesus returns
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
