It's that time of year again—when the infallible prophets at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2022 be better than this year? You decide!
Here is a definitive list of things that will happen in 2022:
January 1 - USPS will deliver your Christmas package
January 6 - Second insurrection attempt canceled
January 20 - Pfizer unveils booster shots 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8
January 21 - Men break every record ever held by women
January 22 - Harvard gender studies professor discovers five new pronouns
January 23 - The Babylon Bee discovers a 3rd conservative joke
January 25 - Obama releases another memoir
January 27 - Mark Zuckerberg finally learns how to smile with his eyes
February 1 - WHO runs out of Greek letters for variants and starts naming them after the Muppets
February 2 - Jan 6th committee finally catches your Grandma
February 26 - China officially annexes United States
March 1 - Bill Clinton plants the flag on brand new Epstein Island
March 3 - Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up Mars
March 10 - Obama releases yet another new memoir
March 25 - Meat is outlawed, replaced with delicious bugs instead
April 1 - AOC red-pilled after reading an economics book
April 19 - Man dressed as woman hailed as first woman to not complain about being cold
May 5 - Hollywood studio announces all-female reboot of Ghostbusters: Afterlife
May 10 - Firefly renewed for 12 new seasons. Unfortunately, it's written by the writers of the 2nd season of Ted Lasso
June 6 - AOC tweets something dumb
August 15 - The only child to be named "Brandon" for the entire year is born
September 5 - Jen Psaki becomes Ben Psaki
October 8 - Obama releases new memoir
October 11 - Ted Cruz finally gets to spend a week in Cancun
November 17 - Republicans bravely squander control of Congress
December 10th - You still can't get your hands on a PS5
December 25 - Christmas will occur on this day
December 27 - Obama releases new memoir
December 30 - Ghislaine Maxwell's black book leaked, will be released in January
December 31 - Jesus returns
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
ATLANTA—A member of CNN's Misinformation Squad was found hiding under a desk in the basement after making a frightful call to the police. "The misinformation is coming from inside the building," whispered the terrified employee to an alarmed 911 dispatcher.
The employee, intern Jessie Furbank, was reportedly in tears as police escorted her out of the building, after which she allegedly asked for witness protection.
"I need a new identity, a new life—they're going to find me!" said Jessie, according to witnesses.
A transcript has been released by the Atlanta Police Department that reveals the harrowing moment.
Dispatch: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Furbank: You have to [unintelligible] help! I'm–
Dispatch: Calm down, please. Are you in danger?
Furbank: Yes! I work at CNN. I [heavy breathing] I was hired to track misinformation, but—
[unknown banging noises]
Dispatch: Ma'am, are you alright?
Furbank: Did you just assume my gen– never mind, you have to come get me!
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