CANCUN—Tweeting while on a family vacation this week, Ted Cruz slammed his critics, claiming that those who hate on him are just sexually frustrated and unable to resist his raw sex appeal.
Cruz said that Democrats who are fixated on criticizing him all the time are obviously motivated by their "deranged sexual frustrations".
His tweet thread went on to claim that any criticism of him is really just from people who have a thing for husky, sexy, Cuban Americans with manly beards, the intense gaze of an antelope, and the raw strength of a Texan stallion. Those who hate on him, Cruz claimed, are just hypnotized by his speaking voice, the rich baritone notes mesmerizing its victims like sailors enticed by a siren's song. They are drawn to him, an alpha male whose powerful presence and distinct scent of a dusty Texas sunrise in September cause his haters to lash out in their unfulfilled desire.
Mmmm, Ted Cruz.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."