U.S.—According to multiple, increasingly tired sources across the United States and around the world, the annual celebration that requires you to stay up past midnight is far less appealing once you turn thirty.
Partygoers across the country in their mid-30s confirmed that the further they got from their 20s, the less and less appealing the holiday celebration seemed.
"Staying up 'til 12? You mean 12 AM?!" asked one incredulous source in Ohio. "That's like... wait, the big hand is hours... no, wait, minutes?... that's like two hours from now! Ugh, I'll never make it."
Various attempts have been made to make the holiday more palatable, such as turning all the clocks ahead and celebrating at 6 pm local time, and just washing down a couple of melatonin with some whiskey, and calling it a night early. But "it just doesn't feel the same," according to some revelers.
"I think we should just get rid of New Year's Eve altogether," said Greg Huxley of Iowa, yawning as he checked his watch. "Any holiday that requires you to stay up past 10 or 11 pm should be illegal. I'm really triggered here and require a safe space from all this late-night partying." (He went to Harvard. Stupid liberal snowflake!).
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that good, old-fashioned holidays like Thanksgiving where you just eat a lot of food and go to sleep early were of far more interest to aging millennials.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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