UNIVERSE—In a stunning act of mercy, God has allowed the earth and its population of sinful humans to continue its orbit around the sun. The news has left the world breathing a sigh of relief that the heavens have not passed away with a great noise, nor have the elements melted away with fervent heat.
“Wow. I thought for sure we were toast this year,” commented theologian Drake Capistrano. “Chances are high it may happen tomorrow. Maybe. I guarantee nothing!”
Leading scientists from NASA also confirmed the stability of the earth’s orbit but steered away from the subject of a divine creator body slamming the earth into the sun because it’s an uncomfortable subject.
“When you graduate from Science School the first thing they tell you is to immediately reject anything you don’t understand as fundamentalist whack-a-doo,” admitted Dr. Arnold Nasa while reading his daily horoscope. “I can’t comment on spiritual matters or the supposed morality of humans.”
Though a majority of people have survived yet another year of their sinful existence it’s not quite time to celebrate. A recent survey concluded 9 out of 10 church leaders claim humans must follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and be made a “new creation” so that they can be free of sin.
The lone objector, a fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist preacher named Greta Thunberg, disagreed. “You’re all going to die!” she said.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
