UNIVERSE—In a stunning act of mercy, God has allowed the earth and its population of sinful humans to continue its orbit around the sun. The news has left the world breathing a sigh of relief that the heavens have not passed away with a great noise, nor have the elements melted away with fervent heat.
“Wow. I thought for sure we were toast this year,” commented theologian Drake Capistrano. “Chances are high it may happen tomorrow. Maybe. I guarantee nothing!”
Leading scientists from NASA also confirmed the stability of the earth’s orbit but steered away from the subject of a divine creator body slamming the earth into the sun because it’s an uncomfortable subject.
“When you graduate from Science School the first thing they tell you is to immediately reject anything you don’t understand as fundamentalist whack-a-doo,” admitted Dr. Arnold Nasa while reading his daily horoscope. “I can’t comment on spiritual matters or the supposed morality of humans.”
Though a majority of people have survived yet another year of their sinful existence it’s not quite time to celebrate. A recent survey concluded 9 out of 10 church leaders claim humans must follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and be made a “new creation” so that they can be free of sin.
The lone objector, a fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist preacher named Greta Thunberg, disagreed. “You’re all going to die!” she said.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
