BRANSON, MO—According to sources, local Dad Fred Martin wisely prepared for Christmas by buying 800 AA batteries and 2,742 AAA batteries. This way he won't have to buy batteries for a very long time.
UPDATE: They're already gone.
"How? Just, how?" exclaimed the frustrated Martin after finding he was one AAA battery short of powering up his kids' new walkie-talkies. "Where in the world did they all go?"
Sources say that after using only two of the batteries in his "Mega Value Pak" from Costco, he put the remaining batteries in the junk drawer. Within days, several had been used in Christmas toys, some had been accidentally thrown in the trash and the rest had disappeared into a mysterious portal to another dimension that exists somewhere in the drawer.
Martin will now be making a late-night trip to the store in the freezing rain to buy more batteries.
UPDATE: Due to supply chain shortages, the stores are now out of batteries.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
