It’s time to join together with loved ones and celebrate America’s newest holiday: January 6th! To make the most of your holiday, please consider these ten patriotic ways of remembering the day democracy almost, but didn’t quite, die.
1) Share your celebration plans with all your friends on Parler: Yes, Parler was shut down by the deep state, but it’s back and still the easiest way to coordinate with federal agents.
2) Gather the whole family around the TV to watch the big Macy's Jan 6th Day Parade: This year the balloons are shaped like all your favorite insurrectionists! Yes, even Wacky Podium Guy!
3) Perform a historical reenactment of the violent, bloody battle by wandering slowly through your city hall, taking photos: The violent surge on our nation’s Capitol can easily be recreated by ages 3 and up. For added flair, open all gates and move barriers to the side in remembrance of the police officers who did exactly that.
4) Make sure to put out Tang and cookies for Trumpy Claus: He won't leave a signed check on the podium you stole unless you do.
5) Hide fraudulent ballots around the house for the kids to find: A great home activity for your young ones. It’s never too early to sow doubt in the democratic system.
6) Dress up as a buffalo: Dress to impress! The buffalo is the noblest of creatures to be hunted. So majestic.
7) Gather the family around the fire to relisten to Trump's speech ordering you to loot, kill, and destroy: Okay, so he explicitly said to be peaceful, but we know what he really meant.
8) Conduct readings of Pelosi’s written refusal of Trump’s request to have 10,000 National Guard on standby: There may be no record of this refusal, but imagining what it did say makes for a great party game. Your kids will love eating ice cream and pretending to be the House Speaker.
9) Surround your house with concertina wire and 25,000 national guardsmen for 9 months: If you want to be patriotic you’re going to have to leave those decorations up for the long haul. The razor wire will complement the Christmas lights you forgot to take down anyway.
10) Just go about your life like 99.9999999% of Trump supporters did last year: It's what Trump would have wanted.
Remember, have a safe and fun January 6th, patriots! Stop the steal! USA! USA!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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