ATLANTA, GA—In light of recent shake-ups at the network, comedian Brian Stelter is working hard to boost his ratings at CNN in an attempt to capitalize on the network’s talent vacuum before Chris Wallace’s show begins airing. To accomplish this, he got a series of random tattoos and began openly discussing elk meat, MMA, and DMT on his program.
“I like drugs,” said Stelter, referring to the hallucinogenic drug known as DMT. “I like to feel the things and see shapes...and fight people. I like punching and kicking.”
Thus far, the gambit appears to have paid off. Stelter received his highest ratings bump ever this past week when millions tuned in to watch him interview Machine Elves from another dimension. He grilled them for forty minutes about how slippery Jake Paul is in the Octagon.
“Someone’s going to send him to Queer Street!” Stelter shouted to an empty chair.
“He’s fierce now,” said co-worker Don Lemon. “When I see him coming down the hall I turn around and go the other way. I used to do that because he’s fat, but now it’s out of fearful respect.”
Sources within CNN are cautiously optimistic of the recent change in Stelter, but were critical that he isn’t talking enough about Fox News.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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