ATLANTIC OCEAN—After braving the treacherous seas of the Caribbean and steering his vessel, My Other Lolita, onto the shores of an uninhabited island, undaunted explorer Bill Clinton trekked to the highest point and planted his flag, declaring it the new Epstein Island.
“I, Bill Clinton, hereby colonize this island, which is conveniently free of pesky things like law enforcement, and name it after my late friend and fellow syphilis victim, Jeffrey Epstein,” said the brave explorer to his crew who looked surprisingly young, female, and frightened. “Let this be a land of absolute freedom for everyone named Bill Clinton.”
The former politician immediately went to work, ordering his crew to construct a series of private, secluded luxury spas, bathhouses, and intimate cabanas, “That this great island might serve as a beacon of freedom for me, as well as a few political elites and billionaires.”
At publishing time, the world-renowned navigator, claiming to have sore muscles from an arduous journey, was wandering around the island asking for a massage.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."