WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the legality of OSHA's vaccine requirement, the nation collectively gasped at the realization that our fate is now in the hands of 8 dummies and Clarance Thomas.
"Wow, I had no idea it was this bad. They're all complete idiots," said local HVAC repairman Joe Bob Smith who was standing outside the Supreme Court. "How could that many people in a high position of authority be that uninformed and dumb? It boggles the mind."
According to legal experts, the Constitutional Republic known as America is now being almost entirely held together by the courage and intellect of Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas, who needs at least four of the dummies to side with him in order to preserve Constitutional rights in this country.
"I hope he can hold out, but it's not looking good," said Smith. "I mean, how did any of these judges pass middle school? Do they spend every waking hour watching CNN? Do they need to see a doctor? I just don't understand.
Smith was interrupted as a short yellow bus arrived to take Justice Sotomayor home.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."