SAN FRANCISCO–A young couple of free thinkers united in common law marriage have some incredible news to share! Their at-home COVID test revealed not one but two faint purple lines. They finally have a breakthrough case just like all their favorite celebrities! Now they need to announce it to all their friends in the coolest way possible: a COVID Reveal Party.
Logan Platt and Tiffany Silver were beginning to feel left out of the pandemic when they both noticed they were a little more tired than normal. Now they're excited to throw a massive bender at the start of their mandatory week off work.
The couple is pulling out all the stops. They've taken full advantage of the gig economy to order vegan catering and tons of booze. "It is gonna' be lit," said Logan seriously.
"We would have put up more decorations, but I was kind of tired," said Tiffany. "I think we pulled it off okay, though."
Rumors about the party are spreading through the neighborhood like a California wildfire, but the couple isn't yet sharing how they'll reveal the COVID diagnosis. Some speculate a giant disco ball decorated like the popular virus will be lowered from the sky by a drone and then crack open, revealing two massive purple pool noodles to indicate a positive test.
"When it comes to reveal parties," said Logan, "the bigger the better. All I'll say is that we're going to provide everyone with their very own home test just in case."
At publishing time, the couple happily revealed their results. It's an Omicron!!!!!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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