NEW YORK, NY—To simplify booster injections against COVID-19, Pfizer has developed a new Bane-style Vacci-Suit™ to enable the automatic injection of new doses. The suit comes with up to ten additional doses that can be switched out as new vaccines are developed.
"The suit comes with a built-in mask for extra safety," said a spokesperson for Pfizer. "We've given the very first suit to Dr. Fauci so he can help spread the news on this innovative technology.
"No one cared who I was before I put on the mask," said Dr. Anthony Fauci in an interview with Don Lemon on CNN. "Before COVID no one knew my name. Now I am proud to unveil an even more elaborate mask and self-injecting bio-suit to further cement my place in history."
"And save lives," he added.
"I can't understand what you're saying," said Don Lemon. "Can you take off the mask for a minute?"
"It would be extremely painful," warned Dr. Fauci. "I would advise you not to make further anti-science requests. I was born in science, molded by it. I am the premier authority on the subject."
Pfizer is expected to have 10,000 suits ready by Q3 2022, with more than a million planned before the end of the year. The Biden Administration is reportedly utilizing recent census data to make sure there are enough suits so that each American can have three. Any remainders will be sent over to Ethiopia, delaying food shipments temporarily.
Rand Paul has called the suit "stupid" and says it makes Fauci "look fat, but not as fat as his mom! Ooooohhhh snap!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
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