NEW YORK—During their monthly shareholder meeting, Pfizer announced that an updated vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in time for their Q1 Earnings Report.
"We are committed to the longevity of this company," said Pfizer CEO, Derrick Pfizer. "As they say in the vaccine business, 'if you're not jabbing, you're lagging.' We understand that endless new vaccines are critical to our bottom line ever since I bought that giant space yacht."
Pfizer stockholder Bill Gates expressed some confusion that the vaccine wasn't already available. "I know I'm not a doctor, but I sort of invented Windows. It can't be that hard."
Pfizer's leadership remained firm. "We need to maintain our rigorous testing standards, but we should still be in good shape if we skip animal testing and go straight to children. You can't make an omelet unless you break a few eggs, I always say."
"I invented that phrase," interjected Gates.
According to sources, a loud audible sigh could be heard over the audio feed. "Can we hear from some stockholders who aren't Bill Gates?" asked Derrick Pfizer.
Several members of Congress proceeded to ask if adding some masks would make the vaccine work better.
Members of the Pfizer board, speaking remotely from quarantine yachts off the coast of New York, were in agreement that masks were not the same thing as vaccines and you can't mix the two, but they'd ask officials in China to be sure. "We get most of our ideas from them," said one board member.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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