WASHINGTON, D.C.—Last year’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has already begun to save our nation from the brink of all types of collapses, thanks to additional funding for a myriad of infrastructures. The first major project to near completion is the raising of the Capitol Dome to accommodate Nancy Pelosi’s eyebrows.
“This is the first time the Capitol building has undergone a major facelift in response to a major facelift,” said Capitol Building Chief Architect Bob Cornice, while towering cranes lifted the massive dome hundreds of feet higher to accommodate the House Speaker’s updated physiology. “The structure was on the brink of collapse due to damage caused by those things constantly crashing into load-bearing columns.”
Chief Architect Cornice continued, wistfully, “But it does remind me of the time we had to reinforce this baby during the Clinton Administration to keep the hot air from tearing the whole roof off outright. Talk about an engineering nightmare.”
At publishing time, construction had experienced delays, as Rep. Pelosi had stopped by to check on their progress and one of her eyebrows snagged a cable, toppling a crane.
Cornice also confirmed plans for a deeper Capitol basement to accommodate Mitch McConnell's second chin.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
