HOBBITON—Hobbits throughout The Shire began wearing shoes last week after the opening of a new Lego Store in the town of Stock, just east of the Brandywine River. Though Hobbits have hairy rugged feet that can withstand the harshest of elements, they are apparently no match for tiny plastic pieces with razor-sharp edges.
“I’ve never been interested in the affairs of Men, but the Lego Death Star I saw out in Breeland was pretty cool,” said Bodo Proudfoot. “But now those blasted things are everywhere! I can’t walk more than five paces before collapsing to the ground in agony!”
The Lego Store was built by Bree-hobbits under the close supervision of Brandy Hall. It was designed to improve relations between Hobbits and Men, an interaction previously limited to illegal pipeweed dealings. Now halflings who have been forced to protect their feet by wearing ill-fitting shoes are demanding answers.
“Why should we pay for the mistakes of a Brandybuck?” questioned Lotho Sackville-Baggins. “I’ve got half a mind to burn that place down. If Brandy Hall goes with it then so be it!”
Despite the local outrage, Lego reports sales are exceeding expectations. The most popular Lego kit allows Hobbits to build model farms for little barefoot Lego figures to cultivate and live sensible lives while not going on any adventures.
Representatives from Lego said they are looking into some Elven magic that will allow Hobbits to step on Legos barefoot without injury.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
