GROTON, CT—Thanks to generous funding from the Biden Administration, Pfizer Research & Development has announced a vaccine with 98% effectiveness against independent thinking, self-reliance, and general desires for liberty.
“Thanks to a $4 billion taxpayer-funded grant, our most scientific scientists have successfully created a vaccine to eradicate the virulent strain of independent thought sweeping through our nation,” said Pfizer’s head of research and development, Bob Petri. “Natural immunity to independent thinking exists, but that requires a combination of lax parenting, progressive college education, and self-deception regarding the role of government. Pfizer now offers a simpler solution.”
The head researcher continued, reminding nervous journalists that this virus has been in circulation through American communities since 1776, but became more prolific some time in 2016 due to a variant dubbed “MAGAcron.”
“In fact,” said Mr. Petri, “50% of all January 6 protesters were found to be infected with this dangerous virus. The other 50% were possibly immune because they were all FBI agents.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TRENTON, NJ—In a landmark ruling handed down in a lower-level family court Monday, Judge Marcus Parsons ruled that a husband can in fact be held responsible for actions taken completely in his wife's fevered imagination during her dreams.
The ruling sent shockwaves through the husband community, as husbands may now be liable for cheating, negligence, and even bizarre and brutal murders they commit in their wife's mind.
In this particular case, Judge Parsons ruled that defendant Henry Wallace would be criminally and civilly responsible for cheating on his wife in her dream. She claimed that Wallace went to a whorehouse in the Old West in her dream the previous night and should be prosecuted for this. After his visit, he reportedly hijacked an Apache attack helicopter and bombed the Statue of Liberty before riding a giant cat into space, where he intended to cheat on her with millions of space women, and then she woke up.
"I don't remember doing any of that!" he protested. "How on earth...
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