BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Galvanized as Queen through wars, global instabilities, and numerous threats to the British royal family, Queen Elizabeth II has responded to scandalous evidence of pedophile billionaire Prince Andrew’s predatory behavior toward vulnerable girls with a royal edict declaring that no one shall wash his Rolls-Royce.
“Some may consider this too harsh a penalty on a member of the royal family,” said a spokesman for the royal family, Bartletonby Thorngraveburry, while adjusting his monocle and pulling out his snuff bag. “However, her royal highness insists Britain make an example of the man, to assure future princes do a better job of not getting photographed with underage girls on the luxury rape islands of creepy hedge fund billionaires.”
The spokesman listed additional punishments to the royal press corps, confirming the Queens pledge to make Prince Andrew wish he’d never become besties with Jeffrey Epstein, including:
No more gold-flaked crumpets unless he asks politely
Tea still allowed, but no biscuits
He may only play polo with the gimpy royal horse
Ownership of ski chalets reduced to three
All must say “Prince Andrew” with an aire of haughty disdain
World leaders have praised the Queen’s actions, and all are happy the nation of Britain, or England, or The United Kingdom, or whatever, is finally on the road to healing.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
