U.S.—Fans of former president Donald J. Trump are chomping at the bit to once again vote for the guy who fast-tracked vaccines and appointed Dr. Anthony Fauci to the Coronavirus Task Force.
"Trump was by far our greatest president. Even better than James Madison!" said local deplorable Nathan Nebulous. "Everything was great under Trump until that deadly virus changed the face of the entire earth overnight and ruined everything. But he was so good at owning the libs!"
Sean Hannity, a popular conservative pundit, announced his continued support of Trump on his radio program. "Sure, the vaccines don't seem to help at all and Fauci may have created COVID himself, but nobody's perfect. Don't lose sight of how great his Twitter account was before he got banned."
President Biden has welcomed a rematch with Trump, claiming it may be the only chance he has to stay in office. "I think this country is done with hetero-normative white men. No one's going to vote for him over a black man like me."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
