WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several news crews in Washington captured the moment as a senile old man who appeared to be lost wandered up to a podium in the White House and spouted a bunch of conspiracy theories about masks and vaccines.
"Hey there folks, listen up. I ain't playin' around here. For real," began the poor demented geriatric. "I'm gonna send free N95 masks to everyone. Save lives. Save lives. And the rest of you dead people would still be alive if it weren't for Joe Rogan or that Brandon fella! Just 15 boosters to stop the spread! Masks! Applesauce! Baloney! Hickory-smoked horseradish! Where's my nurse?"
Biden then made a beeline for a small child in the audience before several bystanders managed to wrestle him to the ground and call a nearby retirement home to pick him up.
Fact-checkers from Politifact and CNN rated the senile rant "100% Infallibly True" and went back to their normal job of fact-checking memes.
Authorities say the confused elderly man is now resting comfortably in the Lincoln Bedroom.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."