WASHINGTON, D.C.—Addressing the nation from his dark tower, Dr. Fauci revealed today that he has been forging in secret a master vaccine to rule all the others and cover all the lands in darkness. The "One Vaccine to Rule Them All" apparently gives Fauci the power to control anyone who has "so foolishly" taken his free gift of vaccines throughout the pandemic.
"One vaccine to rule them all, one vaccine to mind-control them -- one vaccine to boost them all and in their lack of natural immunity bind them," he chanted, reciting the inscription on the label of the master vaccine.
According to legend, three vaccines were given to the CDC, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven were given to the Democratic state governors, skilled at ruling through manipulation and fear. And nine were given to the nine Supreme Court justices, who above all else desire power. But in secret, Fauci forged a master vaccine, and into this vaccine he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his bizarre hatred for puppies.
Ron DeSantis is reportedly leading his personal state militia to fight for the freedom of the United States once and for all. He'll definitely throw away the master vaccine into the fires whence it came once he acquires it, according to sources.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."