WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Russia continues to amass forces to invade Ukraine, sources say Ukrainians are feeling down about the whole situation. To help them deal with a very depressing week, White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki recommended Ukrainians just unwind with some kickboxing classes and margaritas to make themselves feel better.
"Listen, I know this is a very sad time," said Psaki. "I want to encourage you to feel those emotions. Then go do some kickboxing, or maybe some hot yoga or pilates, and then drown your sorrows in tequila while at brunch with your girlfriends. Sometimes, that's all you can do!"
Foreign policy experts and State Department officials agree that this may be the only option left available to Ukrainians who want to live in a free country apart from Russian tyranny since they already tried fighting Russians with all the blankets Obama sent them and it didn't work very well.
To help ease the suffering of Ukraine, the Biden administration has offered to send them $68 Billion in tequila mixers and free N95 masks.
Psaki later clarified that Biden has committed to evacuating Burisma executives before Putin invades.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."